Torleif's Birth Story

Torleif Alyksandr Smith was born Friday night, February 15, 2013, at 11:38PM, to his expecting parents, Heather R. Smith and Zak L. Smith.  Torleif weighed 8 lbs, was 19 1/2 inches, has incredible thick, curly, blonde hair and intense blue eyes, he's healthy and has a super strong sucking response (nursed for the first time at 25 minutes old), has been eating and sleeping lots.  This is his birth story.

Background

Zak and I planned in February of 2012 to try to conceive a child in mid-May, in order to bring into the world an Aquarius child.  Neither of us are particularly astrology based in our life, but we had done some looking into it and based on compatibilities an Aquarius child was one of the top choices for getting along with us both, and they love Rainbows, which we tend to have a lot of and also love and some of our favorite people are Aquarians.  We charted cycles and conceived Torleif May 17, 2012; it was like a wonderful internal electric storm.  We got our positive pregnancy test June 6, 2012.

After having been present for several of my own mares’ foalings, I got to see how relaxed they all were and how well their foal’s entrance into the world went, how natural a happening birth is.  I also had the great fortune of knowing and getting to hear about several other women’s birth stories over the last two years (hospital, birthing house, as well as home births).  Then I came across Ina May Gaskin’s books, she is an internationally renowned midwife and author on the matter.  Reading her words resonated so strongly for me as being true and right and how we would be bringing our own child into the world, in a safe environment, stress free for us both, surrounded by those who love and care about us.  And so it came to be that we opted to home-birth our child.  For anyone concerned, midwives bring oxygen and other safety ensuring items with them to your homebirth.

Pregnancy

The entire pregnancy went fairly well, I drank about a gallon and a half of water every day in the first trimester, was also careful about what I ate, although eggs factored hi in my diet.  Aside from a couple of ‘off’ feeling days following a day I hadn’t drank as much water, I felt fine, albeit more easily tired.  I took a nap most afternoons, which helped make the rest of the day more productive, helped to have such a supportive husband who also understood all of the changes my body was undergoing.  The second trimester was bliss, I was more energetic, active, felt great, resumed a much more active lifestyle.  The third trimester got progressively less comfortable, I got more and more tired and by the end wasn’t feeling too gracious about still being pregnant.  It didn’t help that the last three and a half weeks of being pregnant I kept having ‘false alarms’ where I’d get pretty strong contractions which would start coming more regularly and closer together and start thinking that was the day, only to have nothing come of it, got to be very discouraging.  Our due date was February 7, 2013, and as that day arrived and past I admit I was worried, then angry, and then starting to feel a bit depressed, all normal reactions.  I finally just let go of my attachment to our child’s arrival happening on my schedule (little schedule though I have) and just settled in to wait, trying to get as much done as I could.  Yes, I stayed active, taking lots of walks with Zak, doing stock chores, house chores, everything I’d done all along.  Zak rubbed Wild Carrot’s stretch salve into my belly, breasts, sides, and sometimes thighs nightly through most of the second and all of the third trimester, at the end of the pregnancy I’d gained 32 lbs, had no stretch marks and was still hiding our child fairly well inside, to the point that some people expressed surprise when I mentioned I was pregnant, let alone a day passed my due date.  I don’t understand that, I did look pregnant, just never really all that huge, helped having a large frame I think.

The Day Of the Birth

February 15^th, 2013 was a pretty incredible day in and of itself; actually, it was a gorgeous, cobalt blue skies, around 50 degrees, gorgeous day.  My Mom came to help with things, so she had thankfully already done the stock chores earlier in the morning, Zak’s Dad was over to help with some other projects we are working on, and so I got a paper written, which needed to be submitted, done during the morning.  At one point I was standing in the kitchen stroking my belly and said to our child, “whenever you decide to come out is ok, we’re in this together, I love you, just know the quicker we do this the easier it will be on us both”.  In the afternoon, I took the opportunity to spend time out with my lovely Curly Horses.  I thoroughly groomed all of them, asked them to show off for me, so I could take their pictures (got some amazing photos), then called them all back over and had an amazing cuddle session with both the bachelor band and mare band.  It was pretty special, they were all very gentle with me, licking and wuffling at my belly, ducking their noses all around me, but again, very gently, all of them checked in with me, shared breath, and then also seemed to do so again with my belly, it was pretty amazing.  I had been having some stronger contractions earlier in the day, nothing regular though and while out with the horses what contractions I was having mostly subsided.

Afterwords I came in, processed through the pictures, started having more contractions, which would stop me for a moment to take a deep breath, but nothing regular.  I headed out with Zak to do stock chores and my water broke while I was feeding rabbits, it was about 8:30 going on 9PM.  I laughed as the water broke, looked up and said “that was the water breaking!”  It felt like peeing after holding it forever, only I had no control over it and of course that’s not what it was.  I almost got through the rest of the stock chores before the contractions got to be a bit too much, Zak escorted me back into the house and the contractions just kept right on ramping up.  I kept thinking I had all this time, I called our midwife at 9:11 and told her my water had broken and contractions were about every 2 minutes.  She said to call her back in an hour or if things got more intense.  Zak and I headed upstairs to do final set up preparations, Mom checked in to see how she could help, I asked her to please feed the boys (the horse we had not gotten to) and maybe call Erica.  By the time she got back contractions were about every minute and very intense.  Zak called our midwife back and said she really needed to get here quickly, as contractions were coming a lot faster and harder; she lives about 50 minutes away.  I started out just kneeling down with my arms braced on a chair or the bed, then on the bed, on all fours, putting my head down on the off moments, and then back up on all fours as the contractions hit.  Zak was so supportive the whole time, coaching me through breathing, reminding me that the more I opened my mouth and throat the more the rest of me could open, to just let the breath and sound out.  I was breathing Very loudly, I can see how many think women in labor are screaming, it wasn’t screaming though, it was breathing, the hardest, most exerting experience of my life, and yes painful, but breathing.  My Mom was encouraging me, staying in-front of me, giving me a point of contact as I tried to blow through contractions, trying really hard to wait for the midwife to get here.  It was pretty incredible, like I could see what was happening inside.  At one point I could feel Torleif’s head trying to push through my cervix, I said “oh no, the Baby’s trying to come out, where is the midwife?”  Zak said, no, you’re just pooping (yep, really everything comes out, although I never threw up, expected to, but never did), Zak thought I meant their head was actually crowning, I thought though oh no, if that’s all that’s happening I’m doomed, there’s no way I can keep this up for that long.  I really thought I’d be in hard labor for eight hours or so, but with how fast the contractions ramped up and how hard it was, not to mention that my arms were starting to shake, I really didn’t know how I was going to continue that way for a lot longer.  And it seemed like the Baby was ‘Right There’ ready to come out pretty fast.  Zak called our midwife back to find out where she was, they stayed on the phone together until she arrived, she made really good time, driving some odd 80 to get to us.  Zak and Mom alternately were pushing food and water as much as I could take in between contractions, not enough though to keep up that intensity.  As uncomfortable as it all was, I am so thankful to have been able to feel everything, know what was happening, and be able to help direct my body to what I needed to be doing.  At times I knew if I pushed along with the contraction I would tear and was able to change my breathing to slower, shallower breath vs other contractions felt good to push to and so I was able to really open up and actively push along with the contractions.  At times my breath exhalations sounded like singing, it was really amazing, others, yes, sounded bordering on screaming.  I’d been worried that I would ask our midwife to come too soon and she’d just be waiting around for hours and hours, as it was our midwife almost didn't make it, Torleif's head was showing as she came running up the stairs to our room.  As soon as the midwife arrived, she applied pressure to my perineum, it felt so good to have someone push back against my perineum, giving me a counter to push against; if I’d change one thing it would be to make sure my birth partners know to do that, it made a huge difference.  Now as the contractions hit I just breathed hard and loud and pushed with everything I had, I could feel his head spreading my pelvis so much further with each contraction, and then him moving inside, helping as best he could to speed things along.  The pressure build was incredible, very intense.  As his head began to crown I was able to reach back and actually touch his head, so incredible!  Then as his head actually came out the pressure relief was wonderful, again I was able to reach back and touch him.  And then, thankfully, my body took a break, I was able to lay my head down for a minute or so and just breath peacefully.  The midwife reassured me the hardest part was over, now get ready, time to bring the rest of him out, and so the contractions returned, just as strong, and sure enough, getting the rest of him out was not nearly as hard as his head, and then with just a few more contractions, he was out!  I sort of rolled over and Torleif was handed to me, still very purple looking.  He let out a little cry and then latched onto my breast and started nursing, he was some odd 25 minutes old. Torleif and I both got through the birth just fine, happy, healthy, alert, and very much present.  What an incredible experience!  It's been really nice just lying in bed gazing at this incredible new being, and again Zak has been incredibly supportive, jumping up to change Torleif or go make us meals.  My Mom has been taking care of pretty much everything else in and out of the house, which is a huge blessing.  I'm looking forward to watching Torleif continue to unfold and get a bit more active..  Our midwife returned to check on us two days later, she was amazed at how quickly my body is recovering, she said obviously I'd taken really good care of myself during the pregnancy, it was nice to hear her say so.  Really, I feel great.  Should gaze less, sleep more, will try to work on that.  Torleif continues to nurse often, unfold and fill in more, seemingly as we watch him.  

Police Lives Matter

“Police Lives Matter”

(Note to the reader: this article is intended as a bridge, to build humility, understanding, and to help us both to be better allies).

In light of the recent Police Officer acquittal in Cleveland OH of massacring two Black people and the Police shooting of two Black men in my home town, alongside my affinity as a minority-group Ally, I have felt challenged to engage in many discussions concerning my own role as an ally and as a contributor to the problem, of which I believe both to be true.

The phrases “Police Lives Matter”, “I Support the Police”, and also “All Lives Matter” strike a chord, and I have seen many responses of anger and upset in response to them along with counter-responses of continued misunderstanding.

I think, how I might best be able to serve in this entire discussion and attempts to navigate “what now” is in trying to help build bridges of understanding, about the situation at hand, about the underlying issues with these statements, and how to be better allies, at this time.

I have been trying to think of an analogy that might help convey the problem.  Addressing both those who state “Police Lives Matter” and those of you who understand what that statement means and in your efforts to be more inclusive state that “All Lives Matter”. This is what I have come up with, why, right now, it is and must be “Black Lives Matter”.

Imagine for a moment that you are a parent, you have just lost your beloved child.  It may have been following a long terminal illness or suddenly, unexpectedly; you are bereaved. 

At the memorial service, put together for loved ones to show their support, many are in attendance, some who have or have had children, some who have not. 

Suddenly, a very aggressive person comes running in, shouting “All children deserve to die, I hate all children”.  Extreme, obvious, overtly anti-child and unquestionably wrong, anti-social behavior.

Now another person comes running in holding a sign that reads “Long live the Doctors of (fill in the hospital the child died in)”.  Also extreme, also aggressive, not overtly anti-child, however there is the implication of support of the potentially responsible party as opposed to the child.

Another person, who cares about you (the parent), now comes over, they embrace you in a hug, they then say to you

Such a tragedy, I know exactly how you feel, I lost a dog once.  You know, I know just the thing to fix this problem, we need to build more dog parks, it would be a safer place for dogs and also for kids, and everyone would be safer, happier, better this way. 

This person is well intentioned, they believe they are being supportive, helpful.  Hopefully you (the reader) can empathize with how this response may not feel supportive to the parent, and in fact the parent may instantly respond in anger and upset at this person, the response was insensitive to say the least.

A moment later, another person comes over, gives the parent a hug, and says “Oh, the heartbreak, I can feel your pain, I too have lost; at this time, what can I do to support you”?  And then they are silent, they listen, they do not correct, do not attempt to change, just do what the parent asks, even if that is to be silent, or even to go away.  There is no suggestion of another action, there is just listening and supporting how the bereaved parent requests to be supported.  Later, this person may go to that other person, the one who lost the dog, and they may try to help them understand how, in the future, they could be actively supportive, help this person to understand how their comment was insensitive, and what a more sensitive, caring, compassionate, and truly supportive comment and action could be (listen and respond with how the parent indicates they would feel most supported by).

What this story is missing is the piece about how or rather why that child died.  You see, that child was Black (Brown, Chinese, Jewish, Gay, Transgender), they are now dead Because of their identity.  Oh no you say!, they were not lynched in the street, accompanied by a sign about how they are there because they are Black, no!, racism’s a thing of the past in the United States, at least in my town!  Heartbreakingly, you are wrong.  Racism is alive and very well in every city, town, and most homes in the United States, in every country.

Be it that they went to the hospital and another child was, quite reasonably it will be said, believed to be in a more dire condition, or in greater need, they ( a white child, quite a “coincidence”) are seen first, they receive the care, the Black child does not.  Or, perhaps the ambulance is called, hearing the mother’s voice on the line, or the child’s name, the dispatch sends the ambulance to look into a treed cat, it is, after all, on the way, before getting to the child, costing the required time to save the child.  Or, perhaps it assumed that the Black child’s family does not have the money for a costly procedure and therefore it is not mentioned; the doctor wouldn’t want to offer hope where there is none after all.

Or maybe, it is that child was shot by a Police officer.  Oh, oh! You will say, what did he or she do?!  Does it matter?  In this country, in theory, citizens suspected of a crime, are to be tried by a jury of their peers, in a court of law and an appropriate sentence that fits the crime is to be carried out; they are not supposed to be executed in the street.  Still, you will say, I am not racist, I am not contributing to the problem, nor is my town, and none of these are cases of racism, of discrimination.  Here is where you are wrong, they all are cases of racism, they are all cases of the “child died Because they are Black”.  Had the child been my child, my able bodied, blonde haired, blue eyed, identifies as the same gender he was born as, heterosexual, Olympian, he would have been seen immediately, the ambulance would have been sent to him immediately, as his parent I would have been notified of every possible procedure, no matter the cost or complexity, the Police would never have been called in the first place, or if they were called, they would have spoken to my child and likely called me, with no further incident.

This is not to say that “All Lives” don’t matter, they do.  But in a time of immediate response to a tragedy, a tragedy perpetuated by and perpetuating racism, the issues at hand must not be confused or crossed over.  Support and let grieve those who have just lost, ask and Listen for how you might be supportive.  Let the other conversations about how white middle class kids get shot too (and they do) or how police lives are taken too (and they are) wait for a moment, suspend them.  Yes, “more dog parks” could benefit everyone, but that conversation, about “Everyone” is a different conversation, for another time, on a different platform, under different circumstances.

The reality of this country, no matter the state, no matter the town, is that racism, specifically, is alive and well.  I do not say this to make you feel bad, to shame you, to make you feel defensive, none of that is constructive.  I say this that you may come to understand the nature of inequality and continued racism in this country, so that it can actually, in Reality, be deliberately brought to an End.  Racism is rarely overt in this country, it is more subtle.  Racism is a power structure, it is perpetuated in the limiting of resources and constructs that enable each member of this society to achieve their own greatest potential, acquire the necessary resources to live, safely, to participate in this country’s ideal that Every member of this society has the right to LIFE, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness.  Racism (not discrimination) can only flow from white to Black, from those with the power, with the privilege, to those without it.  It is those with the power, a miniscule number of white, male, heterosexual, Christian, able bodied individuals, who ensure they keep all of the power, all of the resources.  Some of that power and privilege is flown down to a few others who are also white, to help inflame, confuse, and perpetuate the myth of equality in this country.  However, if you are white, even if you were “born in a trailer park and suffered terribly” while growing up, you are a person of privilege, especially if you are male, able bodied, and identify with your birth gender, are heterosexual, and better yet, if you are Christian as well.  If so, you are going to have to work particularly hard to not be part of the problem.  You may not be actively racist, but chances are high you are passively racist.  You get the interview, you get the better price on the car, you get the loan, you get the girl, you get the job, the Only difference, is your skin – this is Racism.  And while you are accepting these entitlements, these privileges, these advancements, you are contributing to racism.  I am not saying don’t take the job.  I am saying, be aware of what got you where you are, and the real reason why, I am saying be more critical in your examination of what is happening and why.

Let us use my hometown as an example.  Olympia does not have Black people rioting in the streets, nor does it have Black people hanging from trees, so progressive of Olympia so hugely radical, left, diverse, open, supportive community – no racism here!  NO – WRONG!! - less than 2% of Olympia’s population are Black people.  You may wonder what is significant about that statistic, perhaps you think it is coincidental after all, anyone can live anywhere, you say.  But no, Olympia was a “sundown town” meaning Olympia made sure that it was Very clear that no one but white people were welcome here, meaning Olympia is missing its diversity, there are very few Black people in Olympia by design.  A sundown town made it very clear that if you were Black, Chinese, Jewish, you had better not be in that town, not go home and close your door, but pass on through, do not stay, you are not welcome here, and most likely if you do stay your life will be made intolerable if not ended all together.  

You say you are not racist.  Of course you are not racist, being racist is frowned upon, it’s an ugly thing.  Sadly, again, you are wrong.  To quote a quote:

I sometimes visualize the ongoing cycle of racism as a moving walkway at the airport. Active racist behavior is equivalent to walking fast on the conveyor belt. The person engaged in active racist behavior has identified with the ideology of our White supremacist system and is moving with it. Passive racist behavior is equivalent to standing still on the walkway. No overt effort is being made, but the conveyor belt moves the bystanders along to the same destination as those who are actively walking. But unless they are walking actively in the opposite direction at a speed faster than the conveyor belt – unless they are actively anti-racist – they will find themselves carried along with the others. – I do not know the original person who said this, so for now I will give credit to who I did hear this from Steffany Ann Brown

To those of you who say “Police Lives Matter” or “I Support the Police” what you are actually saying is “I am actively racist; I support and condone police shooting with intent to kill (whether or not they succeed in doing so) and otherwise brutalizing Black people”.  That is the translation.  To those of you saying “All Lives Matter”, you are the person standing still on the conveyor belt, you are the person who lost their dog, you are being insensitive at best, passively racist none the less.

To All of us white, privileged people, please take a moment to stop talking, stop trying to fix, or run the show, and simply listen.  Maybe ask “what can I do to be supportive, to help in this situation”?  That’s it though, you have no rights here to debate, to discuss, to suggest, to imply.  You simply have the right to listen, to empathize with as best you can, and to then do what is asked of you to best be supportive of those who are going through this plight Right Now.  You say you are not racist, then you had better be running, as hard as you can, in the opposite direction of that walkway, and by running, I do mean actively listening and supporting as you are asked to by those being directly affected.  This isn’t about you, so stop talking, stop trying to lead, stop trying to give direction, however helpful or well intentioned you might be, it is not the sensitive, caring, and specifically supportive action that is required at this time. 

If You are a Black person, I say to You, my heart breaks for you, for your community, for your children (regardless of their age).  How can I support you best Right Now?